


Strider-centric Sadstuck.

by thematicGodbro



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Read at Your Own Risk, Really depressing, Sadstuck, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-07-24
Packaged: 2018-05-19 00:21:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5948917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thematicGodbro/pseuds/thematicGodbro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave at his lowest point of self-loathing and kinda rambles on about Bro and Dirk. There is a lot of rambling here. Fair warning, I suppose. This will have multiple chapters, all sadstuck. I do take requests for Strider-based (and occasionally Lalonde-based)  writing prompts. Feel free to ask me if you want any idea of yours written. This work is rated for teen and up audiences because of graphic depictions of violence, and possibly future depictions of sexual activity. Rating can and, most likely, will change.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dave's thoughts on every matter.

**Author's Note:**

> Fair warning, this will be depressing as fuck, as will the following chapters so brace yourselves and read at your own risk. This chapter's word count is one-thousand four-hundred fifty-two.

TG: why him  
TG: why did /he/ have to die?  
TG: why do the heroes always die in the end?  
TG: out of all the scum on this planet that should have died why him  
TG: he didnt deserve a fucking sword through his chest  
TG: if anything /i/ deserve a sword through my chest  
TG: but i guess he died happier than me  
TG: i really cant die  
TG: being immortal sucks ass  
TG: i deserve the endless suffering  
TG: im not even a hero  
TG: how could i be?  
TG: i wasnt even strong enough to save the ones closest to me  
TG: im not a hero  
TG: john was  
TG: Bro was  
TG: im not  
TG: i deserve the suffering and agony that comes with watching everyone die around me  
TG: i call myself the cool kid  
TG: im not  
TG: i was a failure  
TG: especially in my Bros eyes  
TG: i kept failing him and disappointing him  
TG: i know he thought i was a failure  
TG: i am a failure  
TG: i wish i hadn't even fucking started playing the game  
TG: and yet  
TG: if i hadn't  
TG: all of us would have never existed  
TG: i wouldn't have gotten john to play the game  
TG: he wouldn't have made me  
TG: or Bro  
TG: and the universe would have ceased to exist  
TG: but you wont see me for a /second/ thanking john for this  
TG: he had to put in the disk  
TG: he /had/ to listen to /me/  
TG: and now  
TG: Bro and everyone i ever had the potential to love outside of the Strider and Lalonde house is dead  
TG: all because of me  
TG: and yeah  
TG: i occasionally talk to Dirk in this  
TG: whatever this place is that we ended up  
TG: but  
TG: i cant actually look at him now because all ill see is bro in his eyes  
TG: its hard not to  
TG: they look so similar  
TG: and i can only talk to him for so long before his voice starts to sound like Bros  
TG: i know theyre different people  
TG: i fucking know that  
TG: but its still hard to talk to him  
TG: when i found out he died too i cried for the second and last time in my life  
TG: because im done crying  
TG: not over anyone else  
TG: i cry in different ways now  
TG: except the tears are red  
TG: a deep hideous crimson that flows from the flesh i wish had grown cold years ago  
TG: a crimson to match demonic eyes step for step  
TG: its such an ugly color  
TG: yet i force myself around it as a reminder of just how much of a fuck up i am  
TG: because if i dont im paranoid i might forget him and everyone else who died in my stead  
TG: im not sure if could quite forget him exactly considering i haven't taken his shades off in forever  
TG: three years four months eighteen days six hours and fifty one minutes to be exact  
TG: i wear his hat and gloves as often as possible  
TG: i try to ignore the blood on his hat though  
TG: its not too hard considering im used to seeing it by now  
TG: i just block whos it is from my mind  
TG: thats why the shades haven't left my presence in years  
TG: i cant block those  
TG: its not like i can look in the mirror anymore  
TG: i dont just see myself anymore  
TG: i see him looking back at a disgrace  
TG: i see every version of myself that has ever died and i hear their voices screaming at me how stupid i am  
TG: how i deserve my suffering  
TG: i see everyones lifeless bodies  
TG: ive grown to fear mirrors  
TG: and puppets TG: though i keep lil Cal with me now because he was his favorite  
TG: im not scared of blood anymore  
TG: disgusted with my own as i may be i dont care about it now  
TG: ive probably seen more of it than every doctor in the world combined  
TG: ill keep seeing more though  
TG: some the same hideous red ive grown accustomed to  
TG: some the same gorgeous orange as his eyes used to be  
TG: some even mechanical and polychromatic  
TG: sometimes Dirk tries to talk to me about Bro  
TG: he even went so far as to ask me what i see when i look at Dirk  
TG: i couldn't answer truthfully because i knew that would hurt him  
TG: i love Dirk  
TG: i do  
TG: and im starting to be able to talk with him for longer stretches of time and i even was able to look at him for a bit and not see Bro  
TG: sometimes i cant help but feel like Dirk knows what i think of him  
TG: maybe hes disappointed in me too  
TG: maybe he hates me and only puts up with me because i remind him of his Bro  
TG: i couldn't honestly blame him if he hated me  
TG: after all i am still the fuck up from three years ago  
TG: im not sure i could handle it if he really did hate me  
TG: even though he probably does it would kill me to know im repeating the same fuck ups from before  
TG: its difficult to kill whats already dead but i guess its not impossible TG: i cant let it happen  
TG: not again  
TG: not when im starting see him instead of Bro  
TG: not when i need Dirk most  
TG: he made me start eating again  
TG: he makes sure i sleep now even if he has to climb in bed with me and hold me until i fall asleep  
TG: sometimes i feel like an annoyance to him  
TG: he has to have gotten sick of me by now  
TG: im sure i cause him a lot of stress  
TG: i dont mean to but i cling to him like my life depends on it  
TG: in a way it does  
TG: he went searching through my room like my Bro used to do and found my box under my bed with all the sharp things i have acquired over a span of about four years in it and even a gun i had acquired from jades house  
TG: he threw them all away and flushed the rest down the toilet  
TG: he kept the gun but only uses it on invaders that have tried to attack us in the apartment  
TG: that night he put in all our favorite and completely unironic movies and we watched them until i fell asleep with my head in his lap and my body burrowed in blankets and wearing his god tier hoodie  
TG: the next day he made me show him all of the ugly marks on me whether they were from strifes or not and we barely talked aside from him asking me how long and i responded with i dont know  
TG: of course he knew that was bullshit but he didnt call me on it  
TG: from then on hes started talking more and he now makes me eat with him in the living room so he knows im eating and drinking more than an apple juice a week  
TG: he actually listens when i talk to him unlike when Bro just told me to let actions speak for me  
TG: im  
TG: im actually beginning to love him more than Bro  
TG: hes there for me now when i need him most  
TG: i know i dont really deserve him but im sure as hell happy i have him  
TG: ive even been able to get him to talk about a few things that were bothering him  
TG: i may have gained his trust but i now loathe jake english with a passion  
TG: how could anyone not love Dirk even with his baggage?  
TG: which might i add was not his fault in the slightest  
TG: i find myself actually glad that he broke up with jake but i do wish Dirk could have been happy with him since i know he loved him just as i loved Bro  
TG: im beginning to get over Bro like i know Dirk has been wanting me to  
TG: im afraid to get close to anyone now though because i know well all die in the end but i guess im a little too late now arent i?  
TG: man i am so fucked up


	2. relapse

TG: im scared  
TG: i dont want to let go of what i had with Bro  
TG: i dont want to forget him  
TG: if i move on  
TG: if i follow whatever this clusterfuck i have going on with Dirk  
TG: will i forget Bro?  
TG: could i really do that to him?  
TG: if i dont ill never be able to stop hearing his voice when i know hes not there  
TG: i hear his voice  
TG: i see him standing behind me when i look in the mirror  
TG: i can fucking /hear/ his heartbeat from when i used to climb in bed with him after a nightmare  
TG: god  
TG: my immortal "life" is a nightmare  
TG: can you even call it life when youre barely alive anyway?  
TG: am i just talking to myself?  
TG: i am  
TG: of fucking /course/ i am  
TG: not like i can associate with anyone that wont drive me more insane than i already am  
TG: maybe im delusional  
TG: no that was stupid  
TG: i know im delusional  
TG: everyone knows it  
TG: fuck even Cal knows it  
TG: maybe thats why Bro couldnt stand me  
TG: was i always this paranoid?  
TG: maybe  
TG: doesnt matter  
TG: sometimes some of the things i say remind me of him  
TG: and i look so much like him it makes me want to tear my hair from the folicles one by one  
TG: theres only one thing i wish were more like him  
TG: his golden orange eyes still amaze me when i see the ghost of his figure sometimes  
TG: i want to see him again  
TG: words can hardly fucking describe how much i miss him  
TG: fuck am i seriously this childish?  
TG: i know i need to get over him  
TG: i need to forget him and let him go  
TG: but i cant  
TG: im afraid to forget him  
TG: would Bro have been scared?  
TG: thats a laugh  
TG: he was solid stone  
TG: stoic  
TG: cruelly so  
TG: he was perfect  
TG: fearless  
TG: he was a goddamn hero and fucking look at me  
TG: how am /i/ related to him?  
TG: sometimes i envy Dirk  
TG: never meeting his Bro had to suck but at least not knowing him lessened the blow of his century-old death  
TG: he didnt hold his Bro's bloody marred and damaged corpse in his arms for hours and cry his eyes out until he couldnt anymore  
TG: Dirk was never a failure  
TG: i am  
TG: i held Bro's corpse and weeped for all it was worth and then some  
TG: i couldnt protect him  
TG: i couldnt protect anyone  
TG: i fucking failed everyone i loved  
TG: i deserve every bit of suffering dealt to me in my immortal life  
TG: because what use is a goddamn Knight who cant protect a damn thing  
TG: riddle me that shit  
TG: my existance was entirely useless except to cause mass destruction and inevitably fuck everything so far over it all went topsy fucking turvy  
TG: i couldnt ever do anything right  
TG: i couldnt make Bro happy  
TG: couldnt make him proud  
TG: couldnt save anyone  
TG: couldnt make Dirk happy  
TG: ive only ever made him smile once for fucks sake and that was because hed been touch-starved for so long it wouldn't have mattered who hugged him at all  
TG: all the progress hes worked on with me came tumbling down the other day when i saw Bro in his face again  
TG: i know he saw the fear in my eyes  
TG: he saw  
TG: just like i saw the hesitation in his face when he had to leave for a little bit  
TG: he didnt want to leave me alone but he had to go  
TG: he was right to be hesitant  
TG: i cried again as soon as he left  
TG: he was right to be scared to leave  
TG: he came back home to see me with the gun to my head screaming  
TG: Bro?  
TG: Bro please!  
TG: this joke isnt funny anymore!  
TG: please!  
TG: i know youre there!  
TG: please for once please talk to me!  
TG: at least let me know youre home!  
TG: let me know youre there!  
TG: please Bro!  
TG: for fucks sakes i need you now!  
TG: ...  
TG: when Dirk walked into the room i was too busy screaming to notice so when he knocked the gun from my hand i cried harder and curled up on the floor where i had been screaming  
TG: i was a fucking bawling mess  
TG: i could see the hurt in his eyes when i looked up at him  
TG: and the sadness  
TG: god i made him cry  
TG: i hate myself significantly more now  
TG: i made Dirk fucking Strider cry  
TG: cant fuck up worse than that in all honesty  
TG: i never wanted to hurt him  
TG: why cant i just die  
TG: take my powers from me  
TG: kill me  
TG: please  
TG: i need it now

**Author's Note:**

> First work. Constructive criticism is both welcomed, and encouraged.


End file.
